The 4 stages of grief
Going through a process often doesn’t have a clearly defined starting point and end point. The grieving process begins when we lose a loved one. The specific circumstances of the loss have a significant impact on how we grieve and move through the different stages of grief. At the end of the grieving process we arrive at a different perspective on what has happened and how to move forward – we and life itself have changed. Every person is different, and so is the time we take to grieve and how we move through every stage of the grieving process. When, how and for how long someone grieves depends on their personality, the circumstances of the loved one’s death and the personal relationship.
1. Stage: Denial
The death of a loved one is always a shock, regardless of whether their death was expected or sudden. Going through this stage, you might experience despair, helplessness, denial, disbelief, a freeze response, apathy, losing control, collapse…
This first stage can take anything from a few hours to several weeks.
2. Stage: Emotional chaos
As you go through this stage, emotions well up and express themselves in different ways.
You might feel sorrow, pain, anger, rage, joy, sadness and anxiety. Depending on your personality, some emotions will be stronger than others. You might also: Argue with God – Why did God allow this to happen? Feel guilty – What could or should I have done? Feel uncertain – What will happen to me now? Find blame – How could you do this to me? Why always me?
This stage is difficult to predict and it can take anything from a few weeks to several months.
3. Stage: Search and separation
Whenever we lose something we then search for something.
You might find yourself looking for the person you have lost by visiting places that remind you of them, seeing their features in other people’s faces, or starting to imitate their behaviour in some way. You recall and hold on to precious memories, you talk to them to ask questions and (re)establish a relationship. This creates a strong bond and feeling of closeness, which can be painful but also beautiful. The more things you find that remain, that can be passed on, the easier it gets to let go. However, this searching can also lead to a feeling of deep despair if the cloud of darkness is still too heavy. Many people may experience suicidal thoughts as they navigate through this phase.
This stage can take weeks, months or years.
4. Stage: New relationships to oneself and the world
Once you have allowed all the pain and suffering to exist and be released, once you have run out of accusations and blame, eventually the inner turmoil starts to calm down. A sense of peace, calmness and acceptance can slowly begin to return.
You will be able to see glimpses of a way forward and realise that you have to take up the reins of your life again. And that you can. There comes a time when you are able to look ahead and make plans for a future that is no longer impossible. Grief leaves its marks and often completely changes your outlook on life.
The loved one you have lost remains part of your (new) life and will stay with you in the form of memories and thoughts.
Grief manifests in different ways
There are four different ways how people react to and express grief:
Emotions
Some people experience and go through intense emotions. They cry, scream, feel the grief take hold of every fibre in their body and feel like their heart is shattering into pieces.
Thoughts
Some people try to think their way through it. What can I do? What could I have done? They read books about grief and talk about their loss in abstract and distant terms. They are unlikely to seek help from a bereavement support group.
Behaviour
Some people feel a drive to be active and need to do something. They organise the funeral themselves, take care of other people who are grieving, lose themselves in their work and don’t stop for a moment’s rest.
Avoidance
Some people avoid talking about their loss with other people and suppress any thoughts about the trauma they have experienced – consciously or unconsciously. They also avoid visiting places that remind them of their loved one because it hurts too much.
However you experience or react to grief – it is valid and important!
Everybody experiences grief differently, but everyone will move through all four stages of grief – at their own pace. Feeling, thinking, acting, avoiding – all of it is necessary. Just feeling can lead to depression; just thinking can lead to insomnia; just acing or avoiding can lead to digestive problems and anxiety, etc. Eventually, you learn to live with the grief and the pain you feel will transform into unconditional love.
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